Friday, October 26

Intra-Office fun

Matt and Christie work across the street from me. I could throw softballs at their cars as they drive by, and possibly tag them with a frisbee as they are walking to the cafe. They both stare at computers all day. So does Trevor. But he doesn't work across the street. But i am sure i could derail him from his Fixed Gear as he rides to work. Just keep pedalling...(Think Dori from NEMO here)

SO i devised an exciting game. MADLIBS are back and more fun than ever. I send them the parts of speech needed, then fill it in, print them, take them home to the Johnson family who reads them, laughs, cries, and votes on the winner of the day. we are doing a best out of 5, and the prize is yet to be selected.



If your skin is STUNNING or ANNOYING, you can cure this condition with the following regimen. Every morning, before washing your ILIAC CREST, massage it gently with a/an MICROWAVE that has been soaked overnight in a/an ERN full of warm PEDIALITE. Then mix together some ICE CREAM and some PLACE MAT until the mixture becomes BREATH TAKING, and pat this onto your RIPPED face for five minutes. Then remove, using a/an POWER POINT, and wash your face with SUCCULANT water. Do not omit this VULUPTIOUS step, or your skin will become TWIGGY. Do this LOVINGLY every day, and you will soon be as BONEY as ANNETTE.

Thursday, October 18

Things, Muy Grande

I HAVE A HUGE CALCULATOR, WHAT DO YOU HAVE? Luna's got nothing on us!

I HAVE TWO DOORS TO MY has dry wall on the inside. sometimes i hear people knocking on my "wall."

THE OTHER ONE opens into a world i am not sure i want to be part of. i really dont like the holidays and i really do not like lame decorations. The Home and School committee feels otherwise. My office is in a keen spot for entry to events, thus, i live in a barn. Please note the door to the stable. The floor is covered with hay droppings.

TODAY, FAIRY TALE DAY: The cow jumped over the moon, and landed on my field. i did get permission to use this outfit for a Cross Race. If i ever actually commit to doing one.

CINDERELLA: Most of the time they look like this -

BUT I THINK WE PULLED IT OFF PRETTY WELL. Totally NOT my idea. I DO NOT play well with others. But, i had two coworkers say they thought of it and we just rolled wtih it. I had a prince, fairy god mother and the works. Dont worry, it didnt last for long.

I GOT DUNKED: Thank goodness they set up a parasol. it was hot, 68 degrees outside. They even made the water hot. I knocked myself in twice, and when i sat too far forward the chair would hit me on the spine. I have a bruise now.

Thursday, October 11


I've been duped. In an attempt to spoof Mr. Freeman's love fest with Bret, I ran across a special person who was reportedly...having a birthday celebration of their own today.

Come to find out: That Special Day is not until FEBRUARY 6!!! What's up with that?!?! The site said it was the TRUTH!!! After spending an embarrasingly large amount of time on this "project" i decided to give it my all and post it.

This is what i found: AXL ROSE aka William Bailey, sometimes Rose or William Bruce will have a birthday. In February.


Many of Rose's former boosters now consider him a crybaby, an OK singer who cares only for himself and is unable to act his age. Or maybe its just the anime.

Some have more enduring opinions of this rock icon:
"Axl Rose kicks butt. He descended on the '80s like acid, burning holes in a country that had become culturally complacent. For anyone with angst, anyone who grew up under Reagan-Bush, hating suspendered suits, hair-spray rock and synthesizers, Axl Rose was a savior."

"Axl bit a security guard on the leg in Sweden, but as that's the rough Swedish equivalent of the high-five, nothing much came of it." Except some more of this:

"Two former members of Guns N' Roses are suing singer Axl Rose for allegedly naming himself sole administrator of the US rock band's copyrights. Slash and Duff - otherwise known as Saul Hudson and Michael McKagan - have accused Rose of "arrogance and ego". Well, I would probably have an ego issue if i knew people were getting a tattoo of my head on their back. Wouldn't you too?

"Singer Axl Rose says the LONG anticipated release of the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy will be on March 6… or maybe March 23. No, wait, probably May 16. Or perhaps July. But it might also hit stores on September 23. The four or five fans Guns N’ Roses has left have begun waiting in line at their local Wal-Marts."

Maybe this is where the confusion regarding Mr. Bailey's official birthday began. Who knows, but i am still upset about it. I got a muffin and everything just to celebrate.

I bet you can find that T-Shirt at Wal-Mart

Rumor has it Axl was once a gospel singer, in the church choir, helpful with Sunday School and in the "Bailey Trio" with his brother and sister. But the way things are going tonight, that could be a lie too. I wonder if that is where he learned this move.

Mr. Rose is quoted as saying he really likes Nine in Nails and Hip Hop. Is that allowed? Does that explain the over large possible Raiders jersey and the corn rows?

Here we find Axl more calm and pensive (possibly sedated). Maybe he is thinking of one of his many fueds with Tommy Hilfiger, Bon Jovi, Kurt Cobain, or his band mates to name a few.

Parting thought and shot: Although today is not Axl Rose's birthday, he is worth thinking of. He and Favre may actually have somethings in common: Performing in huge stadiums for screeming fans. Tight white pants. Football Jerseys and well, i cant really think of anything else.

If today was actually Axl's birthday, i think i would have still gone to work. But maybe, just maybe, on the way in, i would have rocked out to "Welcome to the Jungle" or the entire CD.

Whose got some spirit?

This is an excerpt from an email sent to my homies today and responded to by Trevor Walton. This is what i do, when i am not rolling out the ball. If you have any ideas of your own, please feel free to give me a heads up.

Dear Friends who tend to *work* more than I do:
Next week is spirit week at school. The following is a list of the
days and their themes. Please give me viable options for how I too,
can participate in this scintillating week of tomfoolery.

Monday – Injury Day
Injury Day?!

What kinda messed up spirit activity is injury day? That's twisted.

Tuesday – Super Hero Day
I'll betcha all the kids are hip to (If you're not, you should be.), you should go as Dangeresque, or perhaps a Cheat Commando. You'd be the coolest teacher ever.

Wednesday – Groupie Day

Most groupies dress in attire that would probably be frowned upon at a Christian school. I'm at a loss here.

You could be an Apple groupie. Borrow someone's Powerbook, and an iPod, and wear jeans and a black turtleneck (Steve Job's signature attire.). That's probably a little too nerdy though, and would go over the heads of most of your audience.

Thursday – Fairy Tale Day
Little Red Riding hood?(FYI - this will be perfect. i have a hood and all. Or i can be a princess)

Friday – International Day
Pretend to be French and simply don't bother to show up. Instead, go to Stell and drink countless cups of espresso whilst chain-smoking, and reading Rousseau, or Descarte, or maybe sketching. If anyone asks, you're on strike until granted a 20% pay raise and health insurance for your pets.

Tuesday, October 2

Dashed Dreams

There have been many of them. I seem to find out slowly that the illusions i have held onto don't really come to fruition. But thats ok. I never really even thought about their loss when it took place.

Junior High it was this one:

After watching Jackie Joyner-Kersee at the Olympics and realizing through 7th grade PE that i lacked, well, speed and talent, to name a few, i moved on.

High School posed another problem:

Jennifer Azzi was super cool. Funny thing, she went to the Olympics too. I guess it doesn't hurt to aim high. At least this dream was carried out through college, but still two things were lacking: Speed and talent, to name a few.

Besides graduating, which i did, i had dreams of opening my own Gym or a franchise gym. But the sign would have been about this big, but probably written in crooked sharpie. I could blame this one on speed and talent too, but maybe i just realized it was a horrible idea.


I killed another dream. I have really wanted a six pack. forever. sometimes i buy Oxygen magazine and wonder how i could morph my cyclist body into this. I dont think they mix, So i just keep the old issues around for the ab routines.
Monica Brandt is one of the best in the business. So they say. But this is why i, tonight, squelshed this dream.

what other people eat:
Meal 1: 3 oz chicken; 2 egg whites; 1/2 cup oatmeal with 1/2 Tbsp flaxseed oil
Meal Two: 3 oz Tuna; salad with cucumbers; almonds and a bit of balsamic vinaigrette
Snack: Whole grapefruit
Meal 3: 4 oz chicken; 10 asparagus; 1/2 Tbsp flaxseed oil
Meal 4: oatmeal; 3 oz tuna; 6 oz orange roughy; asparagus

Sure, after 6 hour days in the gym throwing around some weights, gettin huge and leanin those muscles down, i could, possibley, since no speed is necessary, be a compete in weight lifting things. (not sure why i would want to, but thats besides the point)

BUT THE FOOD!!! Come on, where does meal 2 begin? Is that really the cure-all to get those abs to pop? Then no thank you. I will dash that dream myself. Bring on the Fast Breaks and the Nutella. Cook me up some nice solid carbs and send me on my way. But just so you know, under the squish, lurks a six-pack.